Aaaahhhhh, those days that he just must push can be excruciating. At every moment I am fighting agains his jealousies, wants, needs, fears, and angers. He doesn't even seem to understand why he continues the path that he does. I am patient... he pushes. I get frustrated...he pushes. I give hugs...he pushes. I take mommy time outs...he pursues me to push all the more.
His jealousies...
There are days that he is jealous of everybody and everything. He cries if I have to let the dog out to pea or yells at the dog is he gets close for some petting.
He will do everything and anything to get me off of my phone the moment someone calls. I was on the phone with the doctors' office the other day and had to get to a quite room so I could understand the Swedish being spoken. He grabbed his bottle of juice and followed. I was sitting on my bed and he climbed up took a swig of juice and then proceeded to spit it all over my bed. Yep... that got my anger attention.
That is just scratching the surface. Of course most of his jealousy is directed at Samuel. The moment Samuel needs my attention you can see the proverbial ''hair on his back'' raise. I have to do everything to keep one on each side of me and then David is doing his best to get a foot or hand over to push Sam out of the way. The hardest times are right in the morning or when we pick Sam up from school. You think after having me for hours to himself that I could manage to hug Sam and talk to him about his day...not! I try my best to stay calm and understand...harder said than done and I often fail. I find myself repeating one phrase often ''I am both Samuel and David's mommy, you can both have hugs and kisses and love''. To which David answers, ''NO''.
Philippians 1:9-11
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
His wants...
Attention, attention, attention and food (potato chips to be specific... not a staple in this house).
Psalm 103:4-6
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
His needs...
Attention, attention, attention, food, comfort, love, daily reminders that I am here to stay. A week ago was four months that he walked into the little office in China to have his world turned upside down (again). I have to keep reminding myself that it is only 4 months and this is a season. He is progressing, things have gotten better, but when does he understand that I am permanent? How do you explain that to a child that has never had permanency. The simple answer is that you don't, you must show it everyday, sometimes every moment. There are days when his personality shines as bright as the sun. He says hello to complete strangers, he plays little practical jokes, he laughs and smiles and shows us who he really can be. Those days I am in awe of him and I think that we have won some battles to get him to this comfortable place. But other days it disappears with the Swedish wind (a constant thing) and it seems we have ended back at square one.
Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
His fears...
are not too hard to figure out. He is afraid we will disappear like his birth parents had to, like his foster mom had too, like the ladies in the orphanage had to, like China had too. I can hear a little panic in his voice if someone walks between us at the grocery store, or if he doesn't know exactly where I am... even in our tiny apartment. He has gotten past the fear that he will not get food again, and no longer hords like he did. I am thankful for the progress I do see.
Psalm 46:1-3
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
His angers...
oh boy can this little one show anger. About a month ago he started growling at us when he got angry. Andreas thought it was hilarious and growled back, which got David out of his foul mood and laughing, now that is there ''thing'' to growl back and forth. However, David is a stubborn child (yes, even though they said he wasn't) and doesn't let go of his grudges easily. Redirecting doesn't always work, sometimes we have to face the anger head on... with patience (easier said than done for this hormonal chikadee). I am constantly saying I love you, which he replies ''NO'' to. However, I can see glimpses of it sinking in. I correct him and comfort him at the same time. This seems to work, but not as instantly as I would like. There are times when it takes up the whole day and I hate it when we end the night with one of his angry fits (as much as I try to avoid it). If that happens he always wakes up cranky the next morning and leaves me feeling like a big ole' meany.
Ecclesiastes 7:8
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.
I cry for the scars that have been left on his young life. I pray for his redemption. I try my best to keep it all in perspective, but there are days that it gets the best of me. Yeah, I know what you are thinking...''but you asked for this, for 3 1/2 years you wanted to adopt so badly.'' To which I will answer, ''yes, I did, and would do it again in a heartbeat. However, that doesn't make these days any easier, just gives them more purpose and God give them hope.''
Job 11:18
18 You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
 |
| Still my joy, my son. |
After all, every child is worth what we have to go through to parent them, love them, and redeem them for Christ. Not every child will get that chance though... could you be that parent for one child, or more? Is God calling you out to love the orphans, listen...answer.
