I know that there are many of you out there that read my blog, but I have no idea who you are. When I think of that, sometimes it is harder to share my feelings, mainly my deep sorrows and my shortcomings. But in the attempt to give God the glory, I will put words to how I feel right now.
For a week now Andreas and I have been grieving over the shut down of our Nepal adoption. Yes, you have read that right. After so many years of trying to adopt again and days away from a match we have been told it is over by the Swedish central authority, MIA. There is no way to explain how this has effected me on so many levels. The tears that I cry cannot do the sorrow justice. My biggest question is "why did that happen God?" I wish I could see the big picture. The one that gives God the glory for all of this sorrow, but for now I must walk through the emotions.
I still trust that the Lord is in control of even this shut down, but it is hard for me to "move on" so to speak. Nepal is very dear to our hearts. When we picked up Samuel, we not only fell in love with our son, but the land and people that are a part of him. We have been led by God to continue work in the country and in the hope that someday we can start or pair with an existing ministry to give a place of hope, rehabilitation and family for those who have none. All of this fills our conversations, the way we approach life, the way we spend our money, the way we give, and we thought...the way we adopt. Samuel has been clear that he wants a sister from Nepal (which has been something that has effected our choices also). When Nepal opened back up just in time for us to put in a dossier we truly believed it was the Lord giving us this opportunity. So in that, begs my question of "why".
Within the past few months I have felt my faith be strengthened in many different ways and with the help of many different people in my life (some of them being my blog readers). I have come out of a funk that I have been in since taking two rounds of clomed in 2004 (I know that sounds drastic, but it is very true - those little pills messed with me so much and I still deal with their effects). I wonder now if the Lord was strengthening me to deal with this blow. I can do nothing but humbly thank him for the strength and the support group that he has placed around me. Many of you have heard me state that even though I feel like the Lord has told me it will be okay, that doesn't mean that I necessarily get what I want. This so happens to be the case.
I have gone from tears to anger, to sorrow, to exhaustion, to numbness and of course, more tears. I have a lack of motivation to continue with anything right now, mainly my Swedish lessons (I need God's strength to keep that one going). I have had a strong desire to post the name of the one woman that has stopped our adoption from MIA, along with her phone number (so everyone could call her of course), but I find myself praying for her instead (I know that is not me, but Jesus within me, there is no other explanation). I want to scream and get angry with people, but find myself fasting and praying and finding my strength in these things. My husbands observation is that maybe the glory for God comes from our realization that we can do nothing on our own. It is now a total surrender to our Lord a complete reliance. This could be the case.
When we had to finally tell Samuel he was angry. He said we should go get her anyway. Andreas said that we couldn't because when we flew back into Sweden they would stop us from coming in. He got this really mean look on his face and said "Pappa, I'll hold them and you can run in with Jane!" If only..... Samuel has shown some sadness and some anger, but still states that Jane is in Nepal and he wants her. I told him that maybe we made a mistake and now we must listen to God to see where Jane or maybe a brother for him is. In response he has now told me that he wants a sister and a brother. He is getting pretty demanding!!! However, I would love to be able to make that wish come true. Will it? I don't know.
I do know that at some point we will resume with an adoption. Our options are limited but we are praying for direction on where to go. I don't know what the future holds, for now it is a longer wait and that hurts. For now it is not a Nepali girl, and that hurts too. For now, it is the end of one dream, and again, that hurts. For now, I cry to God and am in need of his constant comfort.
The things that I am thankful for are my family. I have an incredible husband and everytime we face hard things are marriage gets better. I have an incredible son whom I could not have had without God's moving in my life. I have wonderful friends (who are sadly dispersed all over the world) that have shown love, kindness, support and prayers. I have everything that I need. We do not lack food, shelter, clothes, etc. I have a God that will not leave me in despair, but lift me up and show me which way to go, and in the end take me home to be with him.
Please pray for the families still fighting for their Nepali adoption (and the families flying to get their children). For Nepal to make the changes necessary to protect the children, the money to help the children and Nepali parents. For us to know where to go next and find a new dream for a new child. For the glory of God in all of this to shine through and for our grief to see the beauty of what is next. For the other adoptive parents that have been told "no" and for the lady in Sweden that made that decision.
I will be rooting for the rest of you.